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hey you... it's been a long time since we fight like this...
i know you think that i'm being unreasonable and immature
i got jealous over ridiculous thing
i know those girl at that picture means nothing to you
i know you're all just friend
but i didn't know them
we've been in this relationship for so long
and you might expect me to understand
sure i know how you feel about me and i shouldn't questioned it
but at the end of the day, i'm just a girl
a girl who's craving for her lover's attention
a girl who gets paranoid over silly things
a girl who needs her man around just to comfort her
a girl who founds happiness just by holding hands with you
a girl who wants to show the world, how in love we are
a girl who's once said "i don't like public display affection"
but that's a lie, i don't care what people gonna say about us
because what matters the most, is you.

Last photos i took with rizkiansyah on our way back home after our last date before he flew back to brisbane. i don't know what to say, tears won't stop coming out of my eyes. I thought the second time he's leaving would be easier for me to let go, but it's not. every goodbye with him makes my chest hurts. this month had been really wonderful for both of us. we've been good. we'd gone places, we talked, we laughed, we hugged and we kissed, and now the thought of not being able to do that again for at least another 5 moths really turned my mood down. geez i'm a bit melodramatic right now.. hope i'll be okay next day :)

(apakah) aku cinta indonesia?

Sangat jarang gue menulis di blog ini menggunakan bahasa indonesia. memang bahasa inggris gue masih level kacrut, namun berhubung isi blog ini kebanyakan curhatan, it feels much more comfortable if i wrote it in english. tapi sekarang yang mau gue tulis bukan curhatan, melainkan keluhan. une autre vue. bukan tentang fashion, seni, atau cinta seperti kebanyakan isi blog ini. tapi kok ya judulnya ada embel-embel "cinta" nya juga? yak, bisa dibilang ini sebuah bentuk keprihatinan dan buah pikiran yang dituangkan dalam tulisan.

Selama ini gue bukan manusia yang ignorant sama kehidupan di Indonesia. bukan berarti gw pernah keliling Indonesia, gue cuman pernah ke Padang (duluuuu banget waktu kecil), Makassar (waktu kecil juga, i could barely remember), Bangka (tiap lebaran dan kerjaannya berantem mulu sm nyokap disana karena disuruh silaturahmi sama sodara sementara gue pengennya ke pantai), Bali dan Bandung. Gue cuman pernah menginjakkan kaki di 5 kota di Indonesia kecuali Jakarta. menurut gue normal, gue punya banyak temen yang bahkan belum pernah menginjakkan kaki keluar pulau Jawa. but that doesn't makes us unaware dengan isu sosial ekonomi dan politik yang terjadi di negara ini. we know. oh, how much we know the dirt of our gouvernement.

justru saking tahunya dengan semua kebusukan pejabat negara ini, gue lebih memilih untuk tutup mata, mulut, hati dan telinga karena kalo makin dipikirin makin geram dan miris, bahkan emosi. tapi nggak tau harus berbuat apa? bisa apa? i am nobody compared to those men sitting in our MPR-DPR building. menurut gue, semua tingkatan dalam pemerintahan Indonesia udah hancur karena korupsi kolusi dan nepotisme. untuk diperbaikin harus dicari bibitnya, tapi bagaikan kanker, udah nggak ketahuan asal muasalnya dimana karena udah menyebar ke seluruh badan. bahkan operasi tercanggih pun udah nggak bisa menyembuhkan "kanker" ini. pilihan satu-satunya hanyalah amputasi (yes, i'm speaking metaphorically here!).

pemikiran yang paling ekstrim yang pernah gue diskusikan dengan rizkiansyah adalah : alangkah baiknya jika negara ini sekali lagi dijajah. lebih seru lagi kalau penjajah kita membawa paham sosialis ke negara ini. jangan ngeri, gue nggak gila, gue bukan komunis. think about it, masa-masa kejayaan indonesia adalah masa orde lama dan awal orde baru, belum genap satu dekade semenjak kemerdekaan Indonesia yang telah dijajah selama 350 tahun lebih. gue sering denger cerita ayah, jaman dulu jarang sekali ada pemalas. walaupun orang cacat atau tua renta, semuanya mau kerja. walaupun harus banting tulang dengan upah minim, mereka tetap bekerja dengan giat. sebelum kemerdekaan mungkin itu sebuah kewajiban yang diharuskan pemerintahan para penjajah yang nggak suka liat orang pribumi leha-leha, tapi toh kebiasaan itu terus berlanjut setelah kemerdekaan dengan motif yang lebih mulia : to live and survive.

Indonesia jaman sekarang sudah terlalu dimanja dengan segala kegampangan yang bisa diperoleh dengan uang. ajaran di sekolah dasarpun sudah menyalahi aturan. gue prihatin, kadang kalo diskusi sama bokap gue suka emosi sendiri. Alhamdulillah gue masih bisa hidup enak sekarang, but along the way in my left and right side gue melihat banyak sekali ketidakadilan. semua karena birokrasi busuk. sering banget gue denger slogan bahwa "masa depan indonesia bergantung di tangan generasi muda indonesia" tapi menurut pengamatan gue, anak-anak seumuran gue (yang mereka bilang generasi muda) cenderung pada menyerah and couldn't wait to get the hell out of Indonesia as soon as they can, begitu juga halnya dengan gue.

Jujur, gue udah terlalu hopeless dan terlalu pesimis dengan masa depan Indonesia. i don't wanna contaminate my (future) child dengan semua kepalsuan, kebusukan, dan ketidakadilan yang terjadi di Indonesia. tapi masih ada setitik perasaan di diri gue yang pengen ngebetulin ini semua, namun nggak tau caranya gimana. at this point i suggest seluruh orang indonesia should pray to God to help us all, well at least for those who believe that He's exist. ironis dan membingungkan untuk gue, sebuah negara yang bisa mengusir penjajah yang bersenjatakan alat-alat canggih hanya dengan menggunakan bambu runcing, keadaannya bisa se-fucked-up ini sekarang. bukannya makin maju malah makin mundur. mau jadi apa?

God, please help us all.....

le sigh

you know what really irritates me right now? stupidity. and i happened to find that kind of attitude from a very close of mine. let's say her name is S. she's pretty, has a great body, i think she has the total package. but she's too dumb. i don't know whether she's dumb or careless or ignorant, but she makes everyone around her feels annoyed. she cannot take care of herself and let everyone do that for her. i mean, we all have other life outside. we cannot take care of her all the time. she's already a grown-up, she can't expect everyone to tell her what to do and what not to do. what if she didn't have any friends anymore? what would she do? i bet she can't do anything can she? because she's stupid, that's it. sometimes i wished she'd got to taste her own medicine, but i didn't have the heart to watch her falling apart. so please god, please I'm begging you, make her realize that her attitude annoys people, please?

what if

Rizkiansyah has been in town for couple of days now, and i'm more than happy. when he came to my house to say hi to my parents, the whole house went manic, even my maid. they are all very eager to meet rizkiansyah again. and when he met my mom, mom hugged him. can you believe that? it got me thinking...

3 years is not a very short period in someone's life. 3 years is the amount of time i've been spending with him. for 3 years we had our fights, our tears, and our happy times over and over again. there are moments when i just want to ended it all, i feel like ourrelationship is going nowhere, static, pathetic, bored. but then i remember again all of the happy times we've spent together. our feelings for each other didn't have to be described in words no more. we understand each other. he didn't have to say "i love you" every single night (wich he did) before we went to bed, because i already know. he's my huggly wuggly panda. he's my steady rock. i know.

mom seems so eager to planned out wedding. my brothers and sisters already gave their blessings. so what are we waiting for? well, pretty much everything. both of us hasn't graduate from college yet, hasn't had our income yet, hasn't ready for anything yet. i am 100% ready but i don't know if he did. and now the big question in my head is : which one he's not ready for? to be married or to be with me? does he still having doubts about me? does he still wondering wether if i'm the right girl for me or not? i cannot imagine if i'm wasting the last 3 years (and possibly the next couple of years) to a relationship that's going nowhere. i don't want to wait. i will wait if i know the result is worth it, but i don't want to wait with a dissappointing ending. does he ready? does he want me? what if he doesn't?

my sister

after seeing my previous works (of me and kamila) my sister wants me to take her photos too. so yesterday we'd done this crazy photo session at home wearing our wardrobe and props. after that we went to my newest fave cafe (thanks to nindia satiman) NEVER BEEN BETTER to edited my work. I'm happy that my sister and her friends (who also came hanging out with us) complimented my work, such a huge relief for me coz they aint rookie.

I've been thinking, for the very first time in my life, yesterday i finally found out what i want to do with my life. i wanna be a photographer, specifically in fashion. I'm no good in capturing moments, but I'm good at capturing human's essence. this is something I've been passionated about for a very long time. I've started this hobby since highschool, i even used to get paid from my friends when they asked me to taking their photos. I've been struggling and dying inside when this hobby stops due to college, but now since I've started it again, i feel alive. i practically grew up in the fashion industry influenced by my sister who has been working in the industry since i can remember. heck, I've been in pages of seventeen magazine several times when in junior high school. i live & breathe for this.

my dad, sisters, bestfriends (mila & reva) and also boyfriend has been really supportive about this hobby of mine. sometimes when i felt insecure because some people tend to looked down on me because i didn't have the fancy gadget, they said it doesn't matter what camera you use, it's the photos that counts. to be honest, i didn't even use a DSLR camera, this is just my digicam (who's going to die and cannot be use anymore pretty soon) and my photoshop skill. but who am i to judge myself? all i know that i wanna finished college as fast as i can and then work in this field. amen.

amigos por siempre

my college bestfriends are pretty much my life right now. since we've sorted out our problems and talked about what we like nor dislike towards each other, we've became more solid than ever. they're the funniest people I've ever met in my entire life, and for some of them, next term would be their last term studying at college. i just wished we still have time to spent together.... i don't wanna be separate from them too soon :(

seven deadly princess

The 7 Deadly Sins, also known as the Capital Vices or Cardinal Sins, is a classification of objectionable vices that have been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct followers concerning fallen humanity's tendency to sin. The currently recognized version of the list is usually given as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

Cinderella carried the sin of lust, because she's too eager to find her prince so she asked for help from a fairy godmotherBelle is vanity because she can't stop looking to the mirror that Beast gave to her. i know the mirror didn't show their own reflection, but the whole thing of the movie is that she's the fairest of all. even her name is Belle wich means beautiful.Tinkerbell envied Wendy because she has feelings for Peter Pan, obviously.Jasmine's wrath towads Jaffar and her set-up marriage by her father showned in the whole movie.Aurora sleeps for hundred years. if that doesn't show slothness, then i can't explain anything.Ariel wants the handsome man, a pair of leg, and her beautiful voice back. This girl want it all and can't choose.Snow White STILL eats the poisoned apple after she bake the pie wich i presume she'll ate herself after. Hungry much?LOL, i posted this just for fun. i didn't mean any harm, i just love the concept of 7 deadly sins and the pictures of these disney princesses. enjoy!source : tumblr.

it takes two to tango

Baby, it takes two to make this relationship to work. but why am i the only one who's trying and make the effort? one day we're all "sweetypumps and sugarcakes" the next day you easily pissed me off. it's like that song : why can't i keep you save as my own? one moment i have you the next you're gone. baby i know you think you've tried, i know you're busy, i know you love me and i sure does know that you're care. but you're not trying hard enough. sorry for being such a demanding person, but baby, it takes two to tango.

PS : I made this for you, yesterday when we're all sweet and cuddly

sat/sun

just done the second artwork contribution to nylon Indonesia. the magazine isn't out yet, and this image is not gonna be published under the name Richa Annisa. perhaps just Icha because i shouldn't made a contribution two edition in a row. but my sister asked me for a favor again, and i was happy to do it :)

anyway, missing these people in the picture, even thou i met them in regular basis, but i miss them like, wanna spend everyday with them. i'm so sick of college, only certain people i could trust and depend on, too many dramas and i'm not happy anymore. it's like, everyday is a torture and i'm not enjoying every single moment of it. i really really really wanna graduate as soon as possible and going to Brisbane to live with Rizki.

and, oh yeah, of course, i miss you the most :')

artwork

one day, i forgot when the exact date is, my sister texted me and said "i give you 30 minutes to make an artwork to submit on my magazine" and i said okay. it took me 40 minutes exactly, but i manage to produced an artwork like this for nylon magazine and got compliment from their editor-in-chief :

and since then, i'm starting to playing around with adobe again. the last time i was designing would be when i graduated from highschool. my dreams to be a graphic designer was crushed when i didn't get accepted on FSRD ITB. i haven't opened my deviantart for 5 years, and my hobby has stopped right there. but after my nylon artwork there, i'm starting to explore photoshop again. so far i've been making these two :

vector for melissa shoes

edited self-portrait

and it got me thinking. am i doing the wrong thing right now? i know every college is hard, but i feel tortured living my day as a french literature major student. i heard my friends who's taking graphic design major got very exhausted for their neverending drawing homework, but at least they got tired doing things they're passionate about. me? sure i love reading literature and stuff, but i kinda feel that this is not what i desired. but it's too late to stop and change to different direction right now. what's my father gonna say? my family were so proud when i got accepted to this uni, and i don't wanna let them down. right now i wish it'll be over soon so i can move on and do things that i actually like.

just because i have faith in you

it all started when we didn't even know each other. we came from two different world. i didn't knew that you were even exist, and so did you. you came when i'm in the lowest point of my life, when i just came back from a very hurtful past. soon i knew that you've been through the same thing. we both were afraid to even have feelings again. but on that moment i knew, you'll suit me perfectly.

we started everything from zero. we learned how to handle each other, we get to know each other's friends and family, and we built our dreams together. first time you confessed that you love me, i knew you spoke the truth, i can see it in your eyes. you're the best painkiller, you made me forgot about my pain. you don't know how to treat a lady, you're not the gentlest man in the world, but you know how to make me happy, and for me that's enough.

the best news in the world is when i found out that i got accepted in the same college with you. i'm not passionate about my major, but i'm happy beyond words, simply just because i can spend everyday with you.

almost 3 years we've been together, we had our ups and downs. many hurtful words came out of my mouth, but i didn't mean to hurt you. sometimes i felt like i've reached my boiling point, but i can't leave you. no reason, i just simply cant. i don't know how you can stand it, all of my exes said i'm crazy. but you keep sticking with me. you're more than just a boyfriend, you're also my bestfriend. you always be there everytime i'm falling apart, you always forgive me even after i'm having "one of those moods" and acted like a crazy person. i don't know how you manage to do that without being crazy yourself. i realized that you have flaws, but i can't see that. because to me you are perfect.

tonight is our last night, tomorrow you'll be gone far away from me. right now i'm in the line between normality and insanity. i can't bear the thought of being faraway from you. yesterday i was laughing and cheering you and kept telling you to be excited for your departure. but today i woke up, felt like shit, broke down and cried for several times. i know i shouldn't, i know this is just a temporary goodbye. i know you will come home soon, i know we'll be together again in no time. i've known that you're the one before i even met you, and now i know that you are worth waiting for. simply because i have faith in you.

(originally written in February 12)

othe

today, i said goodbye to a very dear ex boyfriend of mine. his name is rodney malino siahaan. people calls him abang, othe, palor, and many other nicknames. it's just a temporary goodbye, he's gonna study abroad at Australia. but still, last night on his farewell, turns out to be a crying parade. he's a good friend. 5 years we've all been friends, no one had a hard feelings on him. when we told him our problem, he's not just listen. he also feels our sorrow, and helping us in anyway he could. with him gone, each one of us feels the lost. to me personally, having him as an ex, i'm way beyond proud. i'm proud that people knows him as a good man, a man who have a goal to make people around him proud of him. although we had going out for only 4 months, but still, it was a happy times. i kept saying to him, come home soon and don't forget where you're from and belong. until we meet again abang, i know you'll make it there :")

8 days left

it's 8 days left before Rizkiansyah's departure, and i'm not quite sure about how i feel right now. people keep asking "you must be sad, aren't you?" and i just answered them with nod and smile. the truth is, i'm not that sad. sure i'm gonna miss him so much. but i just want him to go and finish his study quickly so that he can come back here and we'll be together again. it's not that i'm not thankful to be surrounded by people who cares about me and gave me full support and ready to catch me if i fall when rizki's gone, but to be honest what i really need is someone who's gonna slap me and yell at me for being so weak. i gotta keep it together, it's just a temporary separation and we will be together again soon. it's not a break-up, he kept saying that he did this for me, so that he could provide me with a better future if we ended up married. yes i do wanna be his wife, but i don't know if God has another plan for me. maybe there's someone out there for me and it's not rizki, i still don't know yet. there are times when i'm not even sure that i wanna continued this relationship anymore. he's great and all, but our relationship is not perfect and i see flaws here and there. everything has its plus and minus, i can't decide juts based on numbers of bad days. everytime me and my girlfriends are chatting, the topics were always about marriage. i'm not gonna lie, i am too, thinking about marriage. i'm the housewives type of girl. i wanna get married, have kids, and taking care of my family. maybe i'll have a part-time job, maybe i'll be a writer, open a food business, i dont know yet but i'm quite sure that i don't wanna work at the office, 9 to 6, 5 days a week. and everytime i imagined the future, i see rizkiansyah in it. i'm afraid that he doesn't feel the same way about it because we never had "the talk". at this point of my life is filled with uncertainty. all i'm sure of now is that i love him and he loves me, so what else matters?

con-vi-vi-um

went to my annual high school "arisan" at convivium, this new Italian restaurant (cucina italiana) which i instantly fell in love with the place since first time i entered the door. and then one of my friend's birthday dinner. the dress code was "colorful" and i couldn't think of anything to wear. my formal clothes was all black, white, or "old" tone color. so i pulled this casual dress that I've bought from last year but didn't have the chance to wear it until now. when i arrived at the dinner, everybody was dressing up formally. i was so embarrassed to see I'm the only one there to dressed casually. but as the night goes by, many people showing up and there's a girl who's wearing tee and shorts. i don't' feel so ashamed anymore.

anyway, i injured my toe couple of days before, it really hurts to just even walk. i know I'm exaggerating, but it hurts like hell. I'm taking a chance by wearing heels and was so afraid that i would make my injured toe hurts even more. but thank God nothing bad happened. i also met couple of friends that i haven't met for a long time, and they all said that i'm getting bigger/fatter. oh my god i should really start to lose some weight!!!

self-portrait

you have my permission to vomit all you want after seeing my photos, but hear my story first. i'm on holiday right now, and i got nothing to do so i hang out in my sister's room all the time. and after got bored by watching those TV shows, i tried experimenting with my sister's stuff. first i tried to wore a hat. i never wore a hat my whole life, such irony cos my sister kind of a hat collector. the first photo is me wearing a hat. weird, i know, but i kinda like it. maybe later when i have a bad hair day i would wear it. and then i tried a red lipstick (as shown as the 2nd picture). i always love a pinup girl figure like dita von teese and i'd notice that she likes wearing red lipstick. i got couple of compliments when i set the 2nd pic as my blackberry messenger's photo ID. and yes i'm planning on buying a red lipstick real soon!

the man behind it all

a question popped in my head earlier, "who is the person that makes me what i am now", and the image of a man came straight into my brain. he's my first love, since the first time I opened my eyes. he took part on teaching me how to talk, walk, and finally could run. when he was sitting in front of his working desk and i came near him, he took a break from his work just to kiss my cheek or hug me. he kissed my knee when after my first biking injury. he was kinda hard on me when it comes to school and studying, and i remember that i used to cried at night after he yells at me because my report card's filled with red ink. he's the one who helps me to (finally) getting good grades at school. he's the one who pushed me to pursue my dream and developed my hobby. he always compliments my look, saying how pretty i am, but also tells me that i should have the brain and behaviour instead of just beauty. he's the one who came to my room and checked on my temperature and take me to the doctor when i feel sick. he's the one who taught me to be tough and brave. he cries when i got accepted at the most prestigious university in Indonesia and telling me repeatedly how proud he is of me. he knows what best for me and he's nice to every friend and boyfriend that i brought home. he might not always granted my every wish, but he always try to give me the best. he's not always soft to me but that's his way to taught me to grow up. he makes me set my standard so high when it comes to boyfriend, because i wanna marry someone who is just like him. he's not perfect, he's only human, but to me he's half God. today is his birthday and i wish him the very best. he's my dad.

bayern munchen loveee

Having lunch and watching "unstoppable" with Rizkiansyah, and he gave me a bayern munchen jersey with Schweinsteiger name on it. He really knows how to surprised me. i love you soo much wiskiancyah :3

Anyway... It's 1 month left until he's leaving to Brisbane. My heart crushed everytime i think about it. But we've promised each other to give this relationship a shot. I know he's worth waiting :)

Eat Pray Love

I was watching eat pray love at the cinema with my Rizkiansyah the other day. I wanted to watch wallstreet but Rizki insisted to watch eat pray love because he wanted to see the set which take places in Italy and Bali. the movie is really long with deep conversation and magnificent cinematography. And suddenly there's this conversation between Liz & his 2nd boyf (forgot his name) that really hits me and made me speechless. It goes like this :
"what if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we suck it out anyway? what if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fight constantly and hardly ever ever have sex, but we cant live without each other so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together, in misery, but happy to not be apart."
I'm like, wow, wrong person to watch with. I mean, that's where me and him right now, that place, the one where we fight really often, we've even already be apart but then get back together again, and now we both are trying to picking up the pieces that had already torn apart by our ego and anger. From the outside we looked okay, but there's this tiny voices inside our hearts that keep telling us that there's something wrong. I know he felt it too and i know he tried so hard to make the voices go away, I myself do the same. But we don't know how long do we have to stay like this. I miss the old us, we were so close, he's like my whole world. Now he's just like some guy i rarely met and we didn't tell each other anything anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I am trying to make this all worked (again), and i know he did it too. It is too selfish of me to asked him a lot, i admit that. I know he's working so hard to make this relationship as normal as it used to, to contacted me at least once a day, to start calling me sweet nicknames again, i know that, i saw few changes from him. And i just wish that he sees me that way too, because i wanna be better for him. I hope.

Mah

I'm like, very pissed right now with my mother. She's bringing up the conversation that have been ended few days ago, at the sahur table. And i was like, oh my god, will you let it go already?? She's accusing me for something i didn't do, and it's not that big deal anyway, and i thought that this conversation has ended few days ago! But noooo, she would never let it go wouldn't she?
Seriously, if i have my own money right now, i will definitely get the hell out of here. I love my dad soo much and my sister, but I'm seriously can't take her. If i see movies about mother daughter relationship where the daughter hate her mother, am like "i feel you sista!" *niggah style* well not actually hate, hate is a strong word. Let me put it this way, i love my mom, love her soo much. But i can't get to close to her, cos she's always giving me hard time. For example, I'm not excited to go back to Bangka for this lebaran, cos the last time i went there with my mother, we had this huge fight and she made me cry all night. So my memories of Bangka will always be about the fight. And it's pretty traumatic for me.
Me and her, we know we love each other. But seriously we can't stand being around each other, one of us were gonna flip out eventually, just by small things. She gets along pretty well with my sisters, but she can't drive them to the way she wanted because they're already grew up and living their own life. And since I'm the only kid left here who hasn't been independent yet, she drives me to the way (she wanted) that's making me crazy.
I just wanna finish my college immediately, then get a job, and then live on my own the way i wanted.